if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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