My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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