My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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