I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just invented taco cereal.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
