uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
