i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
