Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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