i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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