hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
