I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
