can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
