yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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