Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
