I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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