i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
