I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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