you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize