Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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