he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
