im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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