im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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