moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
