i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
