On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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