The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
