just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
