How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
