masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
