I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
