Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
