Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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