1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
