some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize