if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize