I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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