Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
