Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize