if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
