...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
