My Higher Power is John Stamos
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize