Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
