He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize