We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
