I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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