Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
