I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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