a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
