woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
