Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
