I think I am morally bankrupt
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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