What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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