so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i came on her dog
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
