I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish you could order shots online.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
