There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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