How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You've changed since you got that strap on
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
