Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
