how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
