I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
