there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
