someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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