Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹ï¸
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